(Stream of Conscious)
In case you guys didn't know, or couldn't tell, I have ADD. Or at least that's what I've been told.
I'm scatter-brained and it's hard for me to concentrate on things I don't like (school for the most part, there are exceptions). However, apparently I'm of above-average intelligence, my teachers when I was young never thought so though.When I was in first grade my teacher told my mom she "just didn't get me". What the hell does that mean? I guess I was loud and obnoxious, but I WAS 6, what 6-year old isn't? Anyways, I was diagnosed with ADD and prescribed Adderall.
While this might have helped my with my attention-deficit, it had a ton of side-effects. It stunted my growth because not only is it a diet-suppressor, but also the equivalent of 6 Red Bulls. I was eating 1200 calories and sleeping between 3 and 6 hours a day. Not a great thing for a growing boy.
Next was Concerta. I took it only for a week, the worst week. Have you ever stayed up for a week straight? It was hell. And then that's when I went on Focalin.
Focalin is the medication I'm currently prescribed to. It lasts for about 8 hours, I get to eat a full diet and get to sleep on time, all while paying attention in school. Sounds good on paper. But there was something... wrong. When I take my medication I have a feeling of emotional... emptiness for lack of a better term, like something is missing, an unattainable goal. My friends could see the unhappiness in my eyes. I hate it, and because of this feeling I barely take my meds (shhhhh, don't tell mom). I don't feel that good grades are worth misery.
Recently I've come to the conclusion I've been falsely diagnosed. Medication should only help not hinder, or at least that's what a doctor once told me.
I don't blame my parents, they only did what they thought was best for me, I blame a system where doctors over medicate. I blame a system where schools are used to create intellectual clones with no variety, entirely wired to the left brain. I blame a system where when I don't find math interesting and all I want to do is write or take photos, I'm called a bad student.
What I really want to see (it won't happen...) is to have more schools like Chrysalis, where education uses a student's strengths to help work on their weaknesses. I've heard the most touching and powerful stories of students who were given no chance in public schooling, but then when they attend Chrysalis they suddenly love school.
In my opinion we don't need more medication, we need better schooling. We need a system that allows kids to pursue their passions. But then again, what do I know, I have ADD.
-Schleg
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I threw up. In my mouth.
So the other day, I kinda sorta threw up in my mouth. Well that's not exactly true, it kinda dribbled out, but only a little bit!
If you've made it this far, congratulations. That was the worst opening to a blog. EVER. Sometimes stream of conscious doesn't quite work out.
Anyways, there was a reason I threw up in my mouth. I saw the most disgusting, most inappropriate, most disheartening thing I have seen in my time at Skyline. I watched as a group of "popular's" (I can't call them popular, I don't like them, they're not popular with me) put down and tease a mentally challenged girl. If that doesn't already make your stomach churn with distaste, there is something wrong with you.
I said something like "Go fuck yourselves you self-aggrandizing douchebags", but I don't believe they heard me. I kind of a pussy and didn't want my ass beat. By the time I had said that, the girl was already running away in tears.
It's disappointing that a group of kids growing up in such an affluent and overall well-educated area could be so shallow and pathetic as to prop themselves up by putting down "the retard". But hey, we don't do anything to stop it. Even I pussed out of helping.
After all of this had happened, I went to tell my friend what happened. All he had to tell me was "that's just the way it is."
NO! It's not the way it should be! Why should we just live our lives acquiesce to shit like this? We shouldn't, we should look down on behavior like this, and try to correct it when we see it.
This isn't a plea for political-correctness, or acceptance, this is me begging for civility. Use your fucking head, do you think that it's okay to harm the harmless or tease the weaker? I don't know what people are thinking. I guess I never will.
-Schleg!
If you've made it this far, congratulations. That was the worst opening to a blog. EVER. Sometimes stream of conscious doesn't quite work out.
Anyways, there was a reason I threw up in my mouth. I saw the most disgusting, most inappropriate, most disheartening thing I have seen in my time at Skyline. I watched as a group of "popular's" (I can't call them popular, I don't like them, they're not popular with me) put down and tease a mentally challenged girl. If that doesn't already make your stomach churn with distaste, there is something wrong with you.
I said something like "Go fuck yourselves you self-aggrandizing douchebags", but I don't believe they heard me. I kind of a pussy and didn't want my ass beat. By the time I had said that, the girl was already running away in tears.
It's disappointing that a group of kids growing up in such an affluent and overall well-educated area could be so shallow and pathetic as to prop themselves up by putting down "the retard". But hey, we don't do anything to stop it. Even I pussed out of helping.
After all of this had happened, I went to tell my friend what happened. All he had to tell me was "that's just the way it is."
NO! It's not the way it should be! Why should we just live our lives acquiesce to shit like this? We shouldn't, we should look down on behavior like this, and try to correct it when we see it.
This isn't a plea for political-correctness, or acceptance, this is me begging for civility. Use your fucking head, do you think that it's okay to harm the harmless or tease the weaker? I don't know what people are thinking. I guess I never will.
-Schleg!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Nightmares and Deepest Fears
In the last week I've had two dreams that I can remember, and of course they were nightmares (they always are). But these were no ordinary nightmares, these were the most terrifyingly vivid, most detailed, most realistic dreams I've ever had.
Before now I have never seen dreams as anything more than random synaptic discharges that are mind interprets as a story, but then I again I had never dreamed like this before.
The first one I had was that I actually went through with one of my ideas for giving back to the community, volunteering at a childrens' hospital. It started off amazing, the job seemed rewarding and seeing all of the smiles of the children after we help out (the details of what I did were hazy, it's a dream). BUT then I hear a loud cracking noise, a gunshot followed by silence. The only thing you could hear through the haunting calm was footsteps, getting louder and louder with each step. I hid in storage closet, under a pile of scrubs right in front of the door. At this moment all I was thinking, not just in the dream but in real life, was "is this how I die?" Of course just as I finish that thought the door opens, and a white hand with a 9mm reached in and aimed. The last thing I saw in the dream was the hammer cocked back, ready to fire.
The second one was so awful I don't want to relive it. All I can say was it dealt with utter helplessness and the futility of life.
The first thought I had about these dreams was that they were a sign of my insanity, that I was slowly going nuts. But then I thought more and picked up on the settings and the endings. Both ended with the good guy losing. And now I see them for what they are: psychological metaphors for what I fear most.
Both dreams mean that I fear that I am punished for my good deeds, that by living my life for others I am slowly putting myself in the grave.
Am I wasting my life with these hopes of helping others? Is it just enough to bear my own cross without helping others bear there's? I hope the answer to this is a resounding "FUCK NO!" but then again chances are I'm gonna be let down yet again.
Hope you enjoyed reading about my deepest fears and darkest dreams, and I hope it didn't bum you out too much.
-Schleg!
Before now I have never seen dreams as anything more than random synaptic discharges that are mind interprets as a story, but then I again I had never dreamed like this before.
The first one I had was that I actually went through with one of my ideas for giving back to the community, volunteering at a childrens' hospital. It started off amazing, the job seemed rewarding and seeing all of the smiles of the children after we help out (the details of what I did were hazy, it's a dream). BUT then I hear a loud cracking noise, a gunshot followed by silence. The only thing you could hear through the haunting calm was footsteps, getting louder and louder with each step. I hid in storage closet, under a pile of scrubs right in front of the door. At this moment all I was thinking, not just in the dream but in real life, was "is this how I die?" Of course just as I finish that thought the door opens, and a white hand with a 9mm reached in and aimed. The last thing I saw in the dream was the hammer cocked back, ready to fire.
The second one was so awful I don't want to relive it. All I can say was it dealt with utter helplessness and the futility of life.
The first thought I had about these dreams was that they were a sign of my insanity, that I was slowly going nuts. But then I thought more and picked up on the settings and the endings. Both ended with the good guy losing. And now I see them for what they are: psychological metaphors for what I fear most.
Both dreams mean that I fear that I am punished for my good deeds, that by living my life for others I am slowly putting myself in the grave.
Am I wasting my life with these hopes of helping others? Is it just enough to bear my own cross without helping others bear there's? I hope the answer to this is a resounding "FUCK NO!" but then again chances are I'm gonna be let down yet again.
Hope you enjoyed reading about my deepest fears and darkest dreams, and I hope it didn't bum you out too much.
-Schleg!
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