In the last week I've had two dreams that I can remember, and of course they were nightmares (they always are). But these were no ordinary nightmares, these were the most terrifyingly vivid, most detailed, most realistic dreams I've ever had.
Before now I have never seen dreams as anything more than random synaptic discharges that are mind interprets as a story, but then I again I had never dreamed like this before.
The first one I had was that I actually went through with one of my ideas for giving back to the community, volunteering at a childrens' hospital. It started off amazing, the job seemed rewarding and seeing all of the smiles of the children after we help out (the details of what I did were hazy, it's a dream). BUT then I hear a loud cracking noise, a gunshot followed by silence. The only thing you could hear through the haunting calm was footsteps, getting louder and louder with each step. I hid in storage closet, under a pile of scrubs right in front of the door. At this moment all I was thinking, not just in the dream but in real life, was "is this how I die?" Of course just as I finish that thought the door opens, and a white hand with a 9mm reached in and aimed. The last thing I saw in the dream was the hammer cocked back, ready to fire.
The second one was so awful I don't want to relive it. All I can say was it dealt with utter helplessness and the futility of life.
The first thought I had about these dreams was that they were a sign of my insanity, that I was slowly going nuts. But then I thought more and picked up on the settings and the endings. Both ended with the good guy losing. And now I see them for what they are: psychological metaphors for what I fear most.
Both dreams mean that I fear that I am punished for my good deeds, that by living my life for others I am slowly putting myself in the grave.
Am I wasting my life with these hopes of helping others? Is it just enough to bear my own cross without helping others bear there's? I hope the answer to this is a resounding "FUCK NO!" but then again chances are I'm gonna be let down yet again.
Hope you enjoyed reading about my deepest fears and darkest dreams, and I hope it didn't bum you out too much.
-Schleg!
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